March 28, 2014

Vocabulary Lessons w/ Gwyneth Paltrow

Let's have a collective eye-roll for the term "conscious uncoupling", shall we?

Help me out here, Dawson...

There, now, do you feel better?  A good eye-roll always relieves some stress.  In Gwynethese the term "conscious uncoupling" means "divorce".  Being the deep, meaningful soul that she is, the soon-to-be former Mrs. Martin has so come up with some ludicrous phrase to make herself seem all, I don't know, profound & whatnot?

I'm sorry, but I can't stand Gwyneth Paltrow.  Everything she does reminds me once again of how pretentious she is.  Her absurdly titled separation announcement is nothing more than a carefully orchestrated p.r. move.  Vanity Fair apparently got wind of the news months & months ago but declined to run an article because Gwyneth wasn't properly ready for the news to go public (read: she didn't have a spin for the story yet).

It's honestly not shocking that yet another celebrity couple splits up.  Us average people are captivated by the lives of the rich and famous.  I mean, really...I'm talking about the lady and I don't even like her!

“We’re human beings and the sun is the sun—how can it be bad for you? I don’t think anything that’s natural can be bad for you.” - Gwyneth Paltrow

You've got to give her credit, though.  People came in droves to see the GOOP-y announcement; in fact, the site crashed within hours of the announcement due to the heavy traffic.  She's not like us, you guys.  She recommends things like a $425 cleanse, a $1,300 pinkie ring & oh, I don't know, a $315 throw pillow?  Wow, she really meant it when she said,  "I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year."


I feel like Chris Martin is probably somewhere having a toast to his new found freedom.  Years of cleanses, organic food & no sugary sweets have probably made him slightly mad.  I mean, who doesn't love a cupcake every once in a while?  I imagine he's in a pub somewhere, eating a whole pizza and drinking as much beer as humanly possible...but that's just me. 

I tend to be slightly confused about celebrity breakup announcements.  They always have the obligatory "we'll always love each other", "we will remain friends".... blah, blah, blah.  As someone who has watched my parents as well as friends go through divorces (or even breakups, for that matter), I know full well that when people have an "uncoupling", it's rarely a civilized, friendly matter.

“Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don’t have that many good years left in me.” - Gwyneth Paltrow

The Ice Queen then asks for privacy while they sort things out.  If you wanted privacy, you could have, I don't know, NOT put a statement on the GOOP?  Mentioned it in the newsletter?  You could have just let it be between you and Chris instead of you + Chris + the entire world.  Some couples break up without a press release.  It happens.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'd like celebrities to be human every once in a while.  The fa├žade you feel you have to present to the world - doesn't that ever get old?  It's okay to be angry, to be hurt.  Instead you invite a couple doctors to your site so they can explain to the average people what consciously uncoupling actually is.  When Gwyneth is snobby, she's hardcore snobby.  Feel free to read the article here.  Friendly warning, though.  It is highly ridiculous.  Something about how divorce (or uncoupling) is due to our life expectancy and how we get tired of the same person so we go find another person who we will eventually get tired of...So it's kind of like trading in a car?  The doctors then supplied us with this little nugget: 

"By choosing to handle your uncoupling in a conscious way, regardless of what's happening with your spouse, you'll see that although it looks like everything is coming apart; it's actually all coming back together again." - Dr. Habib Sadeghi & Dr. Sherry Sami

That sounds like a long winded version of something you'd read in a self help book.  "Even though your life is imploding, it's actually not.".  In all seriousness, the only thing I honestly care about is their kiddos.  As a child of (many) divorce(s), I can tell you that it is really hard on the kids.  Kids don't fully grasp why someone is there one minute and not the next.  I hope for the sake of Apple & Moses that their parents let them know that they are loved and both spend as much time with them as possible.

 “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.” - Gwyneth Paltrow